I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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