Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
handjob tips. give me some.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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