it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
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