Soap is not a condiment
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Randomize
