my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
