i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
