Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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