Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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