Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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