you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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