just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
