she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
50% drunk capacity currently
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Randomize
