the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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