So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
