I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
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I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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