we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
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oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
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As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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