My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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