I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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