She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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