sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
