Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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