You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
She made me pour olive oil on her.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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