She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
