I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
