life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Your tits are I can't wait for
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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