Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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