fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
