i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
