Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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