I am in a vortex of obligation.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
