You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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