you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
