i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
