When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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