onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
My breasts were aching with rage.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
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