I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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