i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
