There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Randomize
