the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
