I'm pants shitting drunk right now
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
