good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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