I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
You have to summon your inner elephant
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
