Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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