I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
