I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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