Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Randomize
