I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
