Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
