I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
