I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
