I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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