I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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