yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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