We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
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I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
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But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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