mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
