dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
