No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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